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Gnomoria: Dwarves not included

THINGS HAPPEN.

THINGS HAPPEN.

There have been some definite challenges to rebooting Faceplant!  The first and foremost of these problems has been due to what the outside world refers to as “Windows 8.1” which can’t seem to understand why anyone would want to use MS Paint ever, so they hid it away into the bowels of the operating system and made it impossible to search for it.  Since MS Paint is basically my number one tool for cropping and editing pictures, searching for it became a thing.  Also about Windows 8.1:  Why did they feel the need to put an operating system obviously meant for a touchscreen tablet on, say, anything other than a fucking touchscreen tablet?

Strangely, that rant actually sums up my feels about the thing I’m reviewing this week pretty well.

Gnomes making things in a way totally different than Dwarf Fortress!  ...You know...  in workshops.  and stuff.

Gnomes making things in a way totally different than Dwarf Fortress! …You know… in workshops. and stuff.

So…  Gnomoria.  Gnomoria is basically Dwarf Fortress.

Okay so maybe there are “gnomes” in it instead of “dwarves,” but they still can dig and teraform the ever loving crap out of their planet.  They still build workshops and plant farms and need designated rooms with beds in them in order to avoid having little fits. They’re almost always destined to die hilariously when goblins invade.  In many respects, it feels like the game developers picked gnomes for the main protagonists simply because dwarves were already taken.

Don’t get me wrong, Gnomoria definitely has a place for those who like city building sims.  Lets say you like the idea of dwarf fortress, but don’t want to put up with the BS ASCII graphics and the hideously complicated menus and concepts.  Gnomoria is something you may want to consider.  I don’t know, man.  I don’t even know you.  I’m just an internet blogger.  As opposed to an…  offline blogger, I guess?  Which isn’t really a thing?

There’s no real story to speak of here, which is probably for the best.  You control a small group of gnomes who have absconded from their home kingdom due to differences.  It’s up to you to mine deep, find precious metals, and develop a kingdom worthy of the high gnome lords.  The game’s progression is measured by the kingdom’s worth.  Improving the surrounding terrain, replacing dirt floors with fancy chisled stone or metal floors, building objects and producing great food items will all contribute to that magical total.

Of course, this will also ramp up the murder invasions.

Gnomoria really feels like a dwarf fortress with better visuals, and with some of the more complicated things in Dwarves streamlined for convenience.  If you try to build something you haven’t actually produced yet (say like, a chair or something gnomes like to sit on) the game will actually queue up the needed parts in your other workshops.  It’s a lot easier to build a kingdom without having to worry about meticulously micromanaging every individual item’s creation.

Oh look, here's a soldier practicing with a combat dummy while his fellow soldier lays dead outside after a fight with a honey badger.  I have visual confirmation that the honey badger don't care.

Oh look, here’s a soldier practicing with a combat dummy while his fellow soldier lays dead outside after a fight with a honey badger. I have visual confirmation that the honey badger don’t care.

But don’t go thinking Gnomoria is Dwarf Fortress’ equal, now.  To be fair, Dwarf Fortress has been in development a long time.  Gnomoria has a fraction of that amount in it at the moment. It’s also still in beta, so be kind if you decide to pick this one up.  So far, the only real problem I’ve had with the game is if one of your soldiers sees something in the wild (say like…  a harmless, solitary monitor lizard) he’ll immediately run off without backup and get straight up murdered to death.  I’ve seen no way to stop them from doing this.  I’ve actually lost whole societies because of these damn monitor lizards.

DO NOT TRUST THE LIZARDS.

It’s possible the options I need are buried deep in Gnomoria’s menu system somewhere, buried where no one will ever find them.  Or maybe they just haven’t been added in just yet.  I don’t really know!  I could spend another week looking for MS Paint, but I think instead I’ll just write Bill Gates a nasty email wherein I call him bro a lot and then call it a day.

But you know what?  Gnomoria is cheap and a visual alternative to Dwarf Fortress, so you could do worse.  But then again, Dwarf Fortress is free…  So…

Okay.  So maybe Gnomoria is a bit frustrating.  So is Dwarf Fortress, and so is Windows 8.1.  Sometimes we just have to roll with the lizards I mean punches as they come and try to make the best of it.

But no seriously if anyone knows how to access MS Paint without right clicking on a picture, I’d love to hear it.

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One Response

  1. Download Irfanview! Use it instead of MS Paint.

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