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League of Legends: D cups full of Justice

What do you get when you start with a real-time strategy game, automate the armies, and give the player control of a single champion on a team of five champions in a tower defense map? A nice little free to play game called League of Legends. Tophat and Elrood and myself have been sticking to our “gaming on a budget” plan with few exceptions as of late so a little LoL was right up our alley. Funny thing about League of Legends though, it seems that the character’s strength is based largely on their cup size.

The game is simple enough. You control a “champion” along with four other champions bent on destroying the base controlled by five other champions. Minions charge blindly down three lanes clashing with their counterparts and automated towers. As you earn xp you level your characters 5 abilities and as you earn gold you buy equipment which upgrades your stats. In addition to the three lanes there are jungles full of bosses that delve out buffs and gold. Not exactly a reinvention of the wheel, but the mechanics are well-built and they make for fun times. With a little from those that have gone before via build guides you can quickly get a handle on things and get to rocking with your homies. Just ask notune.

The variety comes from an ever-increasing list of champions. There is a rotating cast of 10 champions which are free to play any given week and are available to purchase at a discount. All 97 and counting champions are available for purchase using two types of points. We have influence points, which constitute experience points, pretty standard there. Then we have riot points. TheseĀ  are the points that cost real world currency. The nice thing about riot points is they can only be used to purchase champions and superficial items. You can’t just waltz in with your money bags and become the biggest baddy in the game. Runes, which are health and magic buffs that you always own and work for the entire game, can only be purchased with IP. Finally there are masteries, which are skill and stat buffs and are purchased at a rate of one mastery per level. Technically you can buy buffs with RP which allow you to gain IP faster, but you still have to play the game and play it decently in order to earn the IP. This makes for a nicely balanced game among freeloaders like myself and those who would rather drop duckets on the game. The only exception is some of the more expensive champions are at times over powered. But to play them well you really have to know what you’re doing. And you have to draw your attention away from your massive cleavage.

Clearly she is the most legendary of warriors. Anyone can see that.

It seems to me the number of women warriors is disproportionate to the number of males, robots, and beasts. Not there is a thing wrong with that. But when the strength of the woman seems directly proportional to the size of their chest to the point of absurdity it makes me feel dirty inside. Granted, large chested fantasy warriors have been a staple among lonely, socially awkward nerds since the invention of wire rimmed glasses. But this is the 21st century. The nerd has risen to new heights. No longer is he an asthmatic basement dweller. Now he’s got a penthouse in the sky and a NASDAQ portfolio that even makes the blue chips jealous. Who needs a Lucy Liu bot when you can marry Lucy Southworth? So in this modern age do we really need overly accentuated cartoon women in our nerdy games?

You can put me on ice for a thousands years if you disagree. Oh there go my nipples again.


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