Hello Faceplant readers, it’s that time again. Where as we hit our 300th post, we stop writing articles that you know, MEAN something and instead turn to you. The dear folks who happen to visit our site. All of us have visions of people coming to Faceplant for the amazing prose we string together three times a week. But, if this many articles has taught us anything, that is not to be. How do most of you end up getting here? Easy….really dumb search terms. Seriously. I remain amazed by some of the bizarre things people search for and I’m even more disturbed that the search engine gods somehow sent you HERE. But there you are, cautiously wandering the internet, only looking for 300 faceplants. What the hell does that mean? I don’t know. I’d like to think that the picture above represents that yes, life can hurt sometimes, but you CAN overcome. But I don’t think it does. I think it’s a sweet picture of a dude totally ramming his face into the ground that has a silly spelling of the word factory in the background. So here we go into the world of the weird stuff people searched for on the internet to find us. Onward!
“The many silly faces of LA Noire.”
As the only Faceplanter….er(?) to play LA Noire in its entirety, [editor’s note: LIE! This is a bold-faced lie. Unless your counting DLC, and who does that? Enosh totally beat this game and loved it. That is all.] I felt connected to this search term. When I reviewed the game I called the facial recognition technology impressive and unique and all that sort of thing, but I did leave out one thing. It’s GOD DAMN CREEPY. Seriously, look at this. It’s kind of like real people….only if real people dipped themselves in plastic and then decided to act like they were inhabited by aliens. I’m sort of scared looking at it right now, I can only wonder how Tophat summoned the willpower to put this collage of faux humanity together. He says he found three then get bored? I say he found three, realized what he was looking at, and peed right in his pants. I can only assume the person who was searching for this also reached the same inevitable fate. I should have put this in my review: L.A Noire will make you pee your pants. Now that’s a metacritic tag line.
“How can I have sex with Hatsune Miku?”
I’m speaking directly to the person who typed this sentence in to Google. Dude, you can’t. Technology has warped your fragile and somewhat disturbed mind. For those who are unaware, Hatsune Miku, the “lady” pictured above, is actually an anime style computer generated character who performs live concerts even though SHE DOES NOT EXIST. Some sort of crazy projection technology mixed with holographic robots. I don’t know how it really works ok. What I DO know is that having sex with her isn’t something you can do. I mean, I guess you could rush the stage and try to tackle her, but seeing as how she’s just air and all, you’d go right through her. [Editor’s note: That’s what she said!] And she’d have no reaction to your presence at all. Unless you want all women who are actually, you know, real, to also have the same reaction for the rest of time, I’d stop typing and or thinking about such things.
“I’ve seen some shit, Isaac”
First of all, I hate Tophat for creating this picture. The man in the helmet is Isaac Clarke, hero of the Dead Space series. He fights grotesque aliens by dismembering them and is half insane. And even he would cower in fear if he walked into this nice lounge area and had to sit next to that baby. Was the person typing this in indeed talking about this Isaac? I mean, he’s certainly seen some shit. But the term as written is that the speaker is telling Isaac that he or she also has seen some shit. Perhaps they would like to compare notes on the crazy shit they have seen. Much like Isaac probably wishes about the necromorphs, I wish I could unsee this baby.
“Cute Puppies humping with words”
I’m not finding a picture of puppies humping anything. This blog is for FAMILIES. Ok not really, but still, it’s the “with words” part that makes me wonder. Ok, puppies just straight humping things could be funny, but why the WORDS? Is somebody out there looking for puppies humping those blocks with different letters on them? Dictionaries? A comic where all the word bubbles have puppies humping them to the chagrin of the super hero’s trying to have a serious discussion? (Tophat, draw that please.) Let’s just enjoy this tiny dog pretending to read a dictionary, but he can’t because he’s adorably asleep.
But enough about cute puppies and Japanese holograms. It’s time to get down to brass tacks with Enosh. We here at Faceplant survive on a daily diet of bacon and page view stats. So it truly is all about our wonderful readers. We are here to serve you. We want to make you sandwiches and kiss your boo boos. We want to be your comfort food. Your go to guys. Mostly we just want to creep you out, make you laugh, oh, and tell you about the best stories of the modern age. So without further ado, although me, Enosh, to bring you some chamomile tea and a soft pillow.
“Minecraft I killed my dog and now I’m sad”
All blame aside, we’ve all been there. Let’s face it. Minecraft dogs won’t be winning the quiz bowl at Westminster any time soon. They have a strong propensity for jumping off cliffs, flying into lava, and getting into pitched battles with dudes whose main offense weapon is a bomb lodged in their gut. It’s going to happen. Sparky is going to eat it. Tophat can tell you when wolves were first introduced I started naming each one I tamed. But we were building in a floating city. Things did not go well for my canine companions. Eventually the naming stopped, then I quite taming them all together. But just remember this, there’s plenty more where that came from! Wolves aren’t quite as prevalent as they once were but they’re still a dime a dozen. Plus, the 1.2 update will have them graduating from canine college so maybe they’ll walk around the steaming pile of molten rock from now on.
“My dad is not my real dad”
Ah, the pitfalls of modern society. Nothing quite like learning that everything you know is wrong. Black is white. Up is down. Short is long. And everything you thought was so important doesn’t matter. Mostly this is just Tophat’s go-to defense when he’s losing an argument Not with his Dad mind you. That would be silly. So what if I’m not Tophat’s dad? It doesn’t really matter anyway. Because the simple fact remains that everything you know is wrong. Just forget the words and sing along.
“face in explosion of GIJOE”
I can only assume someone was trying to identify an actor in that bastardization of our childhood called G.I. Joe the Rise of Cobra. Unfortunately Tophat’s not big into celebrity worship. You know, this post is getting abnormally long. Even for us. I’m willing to be nobody reads down this far given the general absurdity of my ramblings anyway. So if you are reading this paragraph make sure you call Enosh a goober in the comments. Did I tell you I’m giving up profanity for lent this year? That should be interesting while playing platformers. Ok, one more. This one is a bit more intriguing.
“Who are memes”
Yes, now this one makes sense. We here at Faceplant are the movers and shakers in the intertubes. There isn’t an internet meme that hasn’t originated right here amidst our greatness. So if you’re trying to identify Good Guy Greg, or you desperately want to know the real name of that poor Socially Awkward Penguin then Faceplant should be the first place you look. Only after you have exhausted our extensive archives in a fruitless search should you turn to knowyourmemes.com. I know it’s hard because they’re associated with all those cat photos and poor grammar, but they actually have a lower quantity of social life than us and so they spend their free time researching the rise and fall of internet memes. Crazy. I know. But ultimately useful.
All joking aside we are very grateful to our wonderful readers and frequent commentors. We set out to post three times a week without fail and even with a few close calls this winter we’ve managed to keep that promise to you. If you weren’t bothering to come around and actually read our posts we never would have made it this far. So while we will likely be the only three partying hearty tonight we will be lifting our glasses of distilled water to you our readers. Here’s to another 300. But not the movie. One movie full of screaming Spartans in full CGI was enough thanks.