Hark! Hark ye wee beasties and gather ’round, for it is time now for me to tell you the story of Elrood! This is a man who has lead our tribe into glory, armed with naught but a sharpened stick and a PS3 controller. He is a legend among his kind, which is impressive saying as how he is the sole remaining member of a cabal of ancient yet honorable nerd ninjas who have transcended the Guitar Hero and Rock Band franchises to actually become their own bands.
Typically Elrood posts on Fridays, but today his work is slightly delayed. Read on, dear reader, as I tell you the tragic story behind Elrood’s delay, so that you might sympathize with this mighty warrior and send care packages of Microsoft Points to him, which will be spent on a mighty feast.
Raised by wolves in 1994, Elrood first encountered society when he turned to a life of piracy. As is a rite of passage in wolf society, every child who comes of age must learn the fine arts of navigating a ship through the muddy canals of western Pennsylvania to besiege the authentic Amish antique shops that pop up all over the fucking place out there. On one fateful trip, when his wolf brethren were distracted by strips of rawhide that was scientifically altered to taste like beef, Elrood was captured and introduced into civilized culture.
He attended Nerd Ninja college, though he tragically never received a diploma as the entire campus was wiped off the face of the planet with orbital weapons operated by secret government officials. Elrood wandered, alone, for many years, until he eventually joined the United States Dinosaur Army.
Elrood eventually rose to the ranks of Chief T-Rex Pilot Commander, renowned for his service against the… uh… Spanish. The Spanish dinosaur force, of course, was way… bigger than what Elrood’s force… was. Uh.
He lost an arm because of that war. So he traded up for a chainsaw. Petting zoos suddenly became horrible.
Okay, you know what? I got nothing. I’m at work! I shouldn’t be blogging! Elrood will post later today, after he has recovered from his full body amputation surgery. For now, his head has been grafted on to the body of a cheetah, which I’m sure he’ll agree with me is totally an upgrade.
Check back later today, brosephs!