• So I hear you’re bored.

    That's okay. Some of history's greatest heroes were once bored, and they went on to do great things. You? Probably not so much. You might be able to score a coffee from Starbucks or something if you can get out of bed before they close. In the meantime, why not read some of these sweet entertainment reviews? Maybe you'll find something to help you fight back against the boredom. Maybe you'll find coffee. Probably not coffee. But maybe.
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    Faceplant by Enosh, Elrood, and Tophat is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at faceplantreview.wordpress.com.
    Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://faceplant.co.

Post 200: It keeps happening!

We bring you Faceplants of a nerdier variety, but people still want the ultraviolence.

That’s right. This is post 200 and we here at Faceplant are still going strong. We’ve been very excited to see more and more people coming to our humble blog every week, so excited in fact that we can’t help but keep posting more reviews of the best webcomics, video games, movies, and books we can find. In fact, we have been even busier in the literary section thanks to a little help from our dear friend Biblionerdette. She has been turning out recommendations on all sorts of fantastic and scientific fiction with a few other genres tossed in for good measure at a break neck speed. But this post isn’t about us. Today we once again point the camera at you our audience in accordance with long-standing traditions.

While many of you find Faceplant in search of what we actually offer, that is casual reviews with a little nerd humor, there are plenty who stumble upon our corner of the internet using search terms that are a bit unrelated. Some are funny, others are just disturbing. But hey! The internet is a weird place is it not? After all, it’s been estimated that 2 million people will log on to the internet this year, well most don’t really log on anymore, but you get what I mean. There’s bound to be more than a few nuts out there.

Milla Jovovich isn’t actually naked

By far the highest number of search terms that bring people to Faceplant revolve around the movie The Fifth Element. Tophat had no idea the can of worms he was opening when he reviewed the cult classic sci-fi flick. Apparently the film is huge in the gay community, I’m guessing that has to do with the flamboyant performance by Chris Tucker. But plenty of people are looking for picks of the barely clad Milla Jovovich. What they always seem to forget is the movie was rated PG-13 so Milla may be wearing weird bandages that expose a lot of skin, all the most provocative areas are well covered. I think they’re hoping for some secret alternate version of the film that shows more skin. They won’t find it here though. Regardless the post has surpassed Elrood’s Blizzcon photos by more than a 1000 hits to take the top spot.

“What do you mean the 90’s are over?”

We started out with a very bizarre 90’s movie, now let’s show you the really weird stuff people want to see when they actually find us. By the way the 90’s are in fact over and believe it or not they have been for more than 10 years now. Though there was an interesting discussion on Reddit today about a surprisingly prevalent feeling that people’s biological clocks seemed to have stopped in the year 2000 and they feel like the 90’s were yesterday. Personally I blame the Y2k bug.

Aw, what a cute doggy…OMG what is he doing?

Everybody loves a cute dog, but what happens when your dog gets a little…well…over excited? You know how it goes. You bring the little St. Bernard puppy home from the shelter and you raise him as part of the family. You had him snipped before he came home, the shelter saw to that. But he doesn’t know his plumbing doesn’t work. He is the alpha dog and he will keep his blood line going whether it’s through the chihuahua next door, the couch, or Uncle Cecil’s leg. The mailbox has even caught his eye from time to time. Then one day he takes it a little to far when you finally get a chance to talk to Miss A15 from downstairs. It’s the last straw. Never mind you have a giant dog in an apartment, this action just won’t stand. But how will you get rid of such an excitable pooch? Well good news! Or perhaps not, there is someone out there searching. How do I know you ask? Well because somehow Faceplant came up in a search for “perverted dog needs home.” Notice I said someone is searching for this, not advertising it. I’d like to think this is some sort of dog whisperer looking for new clients and not some disturbed individual with malicious intent. Yeah, moving on.

A baby’s gotta hate, and a toddler’s gotta play

Babies play it all coy like they don't know what they're doing, but underneath that smile lies a plan to make your life miserable.

This one is a bit of a taboo in our society, but behind closed doors you know everyone talks about it. The fact is, “babies are assholes.” And where better to discuss this truth as old as the human race than right here at Faceplant? Whether they’re waking you up in the predawn hours to call the waiter over and complain about the temperature of their milk or boosting another babe’s trike these little devils are just jerks. But really, what does this have to do with Faceplant? Well isn’t it obvious? These tikes are clever. We can’t openly criticize them. We need a password. A word we can all relate to. A word that embodies the pain these rug rats cause when they intentionally get under our feet. Faceplant.

They have also taken ye flask

This next search phrase isn’t particularly disturbing, it’s just down right cool. I’m pretty sure this game doesn’t yet exist, but it has inspired Tophat and I to create it. One way or another this game will soon be the toast of the tubes. I remember playing a text adventure game in my friend’s basement as a kid. He also had an Atari, and I cracked my head on those stupid iron support pipes more times than I care to remember. Or maybe I can’t for reasons that should now be obvious. Anyway, I’m sure they trace their roots back to D&D. The game was a ton of fun because I always tried to type the weirdest things I could think of to see what would happen. Eventually I would get bored and start doing what the game obviously expected of me, but it was still fun. For those of you kiddies how don’t have a clue what we’re rambling about, go watch this nice little parody called Thy Dungeonman. I’ll wait.

Ok, now that the youngsters are gone we can get back to this “you are killed by Mongol horde text game.” I’m totally not waiting for them. I haven’t played many text adventure games, I’ll admit. But I can tell you the ones I did play were never cool enough to have a Mongol horde. If this dude actually did find this game I’ll be slightly disappointed because Tophat and I are pretty keyed up about writing this thing. You here that internet? We’re doing it! Back off!

There are plenty of weird reasons that people come to Faceplant, whether you’re looking for people who think they are in Iraq but are actually in Mexico, or Garfield comics from 1812 we’re glad you’re here. We will keep up our antics in the hopes that you’ll tell your friends and we can all share the best stories our society has to offer. On a side note, don’t be afraid to comment on our articles! We may seem like obstinate opinionated jerks but we really would love to argue, I mean talk, with you.

And for all the people who want to know if you can have sex with holograms yet, the answer is no. Also, I don’t think and don’t want Sam and Fuzzy porn to be a thing. But then this is the internet and rule 34 is heavily enforced here.

Until such time as those things do exist and you spend all your time, you know, using that sort of technology, we’ll be here giving you insight into the best webcomics, video games, movies, and books. From all of us here at Faceplant to all of you in the webnet, thank you and goodnight!

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3 Responses

  1. Congrats on the 200th post! I haven’t played a text adventure game in ages, but I used to play them for hours back in the BBS days. I was all into the multiplayer ones like Legend of the Red Dragon and some pro wrestling game. The owner ( or Sysop for us old school, 2400 baud, modem nerds) of the BBS had that game fixed to where he was the unbeatable champion. Every time I would work my way to #1 contender and challenge him, he whipped with some bullshit finishing move. Shenanigans. I hated his guts.

    And babies are assholes.

    • Sorry it took me so long to respond. The wife and I were in Pensacola for our 5 year wedding anniversary. I’ve never heard of multiplayer text adventures! I’m intrigued! Oh wait. Maybe I have. I seem to remember some Risk-like online game I played in college that was reminiscent of the Mafia game for Facebook. It was pretty lame. I think a friend of mine had the wrestling game too. We played it on his linux machine and you could make up your own stats for a character. We never got so far as setting up tournaments or anything though. Mainly we just fiddled with the code and what not before giving up and talking about cars. Wow, memories. Tophat and I are hard at work learning a pseudo programming language to build this Mongol fighting adventure. Also, thanks for the congrats! We love having you around as our most dedicated commenter.

  2. Professional wrestling was one of the most successful sports of the 1950s. While the matches were not genuine contests, the combination of drama, athleticism and crowd interaction made it a unique form of live entertainment. ,

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