Greetings Earth! As many of you are aware it is becoming increasingly apparently that we are a doomed people and our complete and utter annihilation is nigh! This young reporter’s fingers are trembling over the keys of his typewriter as he pens this harrowing news but, have no fear, his resolve is not shaken. He will deliver to you the information vital to your survival.
The horrors that seem to signal humanity’s final hour began just a few short weeks ago with the arrival of an alien race known as the Mondoshawan, but unless you’ve been living under a rock, which seems like a prudent proposition at present, you already knew that. These strange obese creatures in their shiny suites came spouting tales of impending destruction and called for preparation to fight this coming horde. Some say this new alien race came from beyond the Perseus Veil or from the dark void beyond our galaxy itself. Others say the strange beings were given directions to our little blue-green home in the unfashionable end of the western spiral of the Milky Way galaxy by recent NASA’s Ellie robot. Despite rumors that the Mondoshawan were forcibly removed from the Galactic Organizational Body for excessive use of logic, the ninnies in our current administration saw it fit to disregard their warnings.
Shortly afterwards reports of the disappearances of the residents of entire colonies on the fringes of Human controlled space began surfacing. The reports were not limited to colonial planets. The Japanese mining vessel Ishimura‘s crew also went missing around the same time. As usual our so-called leaders failed to act or even acknowledge there was a problem. The actual source of the scourge has not officially been determined. Due to the horrific and thorough nature of these attacks eyewitness reports are virtually non-existent, however rumors have placed the origin in the range of an inter-dimensional beast released by fools seeking fortune to a race of hyper intelligent organic robots with highly complex Artificial Intelligence. Others say the destruction and disappearances are merely the work of folk who reached the edge of space and went mad from the sight.
My dear readers that destruction is on a massive scale the likes we surely will not live to see again. Tales of fire-breathing beasts turning whole valleys into rivers of molten lava and leveling fortified structures with its claws are all to frequent. Others tell of worlds covered in some pustular living matrix which allows beasts of unspeakable horror to rise from its depths at will and attack helpless victims with vicious mandibles or vile vomit. In some coastal cities the chaos has left the public beaches largely without police protection and as a result rogue surfer gangs led by neo-Nazi surfers have taken control, though pockets of elderly residents have quelled the surfer violence in many areas.
To counter the government’s failure to respond many worlds have risen up in meager attempts to defend themselves. In some parts of the galaxy organized mercenaries, some with heavy mechanical armor and ships with cloaking technology, are fighting back with funding from large private corporations. Some settlements are offering individual quests designed to defeat acute concentrations of evil throughout their world. Still other fighters have gone rogue and are using helicopter support to provide them with a spreading range of firepower. They’re run and gun tactics occasionally allows them to commander tanks bearing the Nazi flag of 20th century history. In some cases the Nazis appeared to be aided the bizarre creatures bent on annihilation.
Evacuation of settlements that miraculously survived total disappearances have been virtually without evacuation procedures. Groups of four survivors have been making their way through the mobs of disgusting creatures toward what they have been led to believe are evacuation sites only to be relocated and slaughtered as terrorists. The government is currently denying reports that it is cooperating with other alien species which have called for mass exterminations to anyone exposed to the bizarre creatures making up the bulk of the non-disappearance invading forces. Other worlds have launched all-out nuclear attacks on the invaders, though these have purportedly resulted in significant collateral damage and the collapse of the societies themselves. According to one source societies based on beverage cap currency have risen from the fallout. Other worlds have eliminated all but the most primitive life forms whose evolution survivors in orbiting space stations are trying to guide in order to return the world to its exact pre-obliterated state.
The Mondoshawan are claiming Humanity’s salvation lies with protection afforded by the mythical elements of the Earth, however the execution of their plan has been fraught with delays brought on by religious protesters who argue the Mondoshawan’s claims are. Though local police reports suggest the real cause for delay relates to the disappearance of a solitary woman. The editors of this newspaper find such a proposition very hard to swallow.
Though the chaos seems to be intensifying the staff here at Faceplantnews will do everything we can to keep you informed and criticize those higher-ups who sit idly by and discuss budgets while the galaxy turns to plasma around them.
For Faceplantnews this Friday, April 1, I’m Enosh. Would you like to know more?