Okay, this is it! The 100th post of Faceplant! Enosh, Elrood and I are pretty excited about it, though that’s mainly because I’m pretty sure all three of us never actually expected to be able to keep up the 3-post-a-week schedule that you guys have come to expect out of us. It’s been a trial, no, a journey, and I don’t think we’re done quite yet. The three of us decided that we need to do something unique for our first sketchy foray into triple digit posts. Elrood suggested we actually do a second General Mishmash podcast (god forbid!). Enosh… probably suggested something else when I wasn’t paying attention. Unfortunately for all of you, post 100 lands on a Tophat Monday, so instead we’re going to take a look at YOU GUYS instead, interspersed with my awesomely awful MS Paint skills.
See, the way I look at it, the three of us would never be motivated to actually update this site every week if it wasn’t for you, yes you! reading our articles every week. But unfortunately, the internet being a wide bastion of anonymity, most of the time we get just some fleeting glimpses into those who stop by the site, looking either for information on books, games, movies, or comics, or for, you know, porn.
So we’re going to take a moment out of our regularly scheduled posting to take a look at some of the search terms that have led people to Faceplant in the past year. It’s a sketchy, sleazy look into the history of Faceplant that will leave you itching for a shower.
Give me the apocalypse
One of the earliest search terms that people used to find us started cropping up around the same time Enosh’s Post-Nuke article went live. As it turns out… people love nukes. Absolutely love them. In fact, we have gotten three times more hits by people searching for “nuke” than the second runner-up (which is dead space, if you’re curious). And then it starts to get weird. We’ve gotten searches for nuke kid, nuke shirt, nuke hand, pictures of nuclear explosions, and post-nuke world. It just keeps going on and on.
I can understand the love to some degree. After all, why do people like going to action films? For the deep thoughtful acting? Hell no, we want to see shit get blown up! And as of yet, you’re not going to be able to get a bigger explosion than one capable of destroying a large city. Are we morbid, or do we just like to watch the pretty lights? Probably both. The bottom line here is that explosions are awesome.
The nuke search term and its brethren have been a constant fixture at Faceplant ever since, proving, without a shadow of a doubt, that the way into a man’s heart is with a huge ass explosion and tons of collateral damage. This is what I love the most about the internet: there are actual bastions of culture in secluded little pockets on web pages all over the place. But who cares about that, right? Blow that shit up.
It’s my fantasy world! Now take off your pants
Our most popular article for many weeks has been Elrood’s article about his recent trip to Blizzcon. For the first week, we had search after search of people who were stumbling across the site looking for any pictures they could about Blizzcon, from people looking for the new changes in their upcoming World of Warcraft expansion, or for upcoming changes with Starcraft 2. But, as Elrood said in his article, you know what people were really looking for? Hot girls cosplaying hot blood elves to the point of indecency.
Elrood posted a few of these pictures, including a shot of two girls painted purple by Blizzard to pass them off as night elves, and several shots of girls showing a lot of skin and passing it off as cosplay. Eventually, the search strings started to turn a little more… SEXY.
World of Warcraft porn has quickly become a popular search term. I understand this, to an extent. After all, a lot of people live more in World of Warcraft than they do in real life. But one thing that is inconspicuously missing from the game is romance. Generally, if there is love in the game, its in the form of one character being upset at how his/her significant other getting brutally mauled by bears, naga, or in some cases, the dreaded nagabear. It leaves a void in a world that some people prefer over the one we live in by birth.
But then we started getting an obscene amount of searches looking for Wow Porn. Elrood questioned whether or not they were actually looking for porn that was tied to World of Warcraft, or if they were just looking for amazingly, fantastically bizarre porn. I never actually searched for it to see if it could mean anything else. God knows I don’t want to know.
Then things started to get a bit more specific. Blood elf porn and night elf porn still tops the list, but we’ve gotten a slew of phrases ranging from Alextraza ass to WoW Blizzcon Violinist Crotch. (Elrood vouches that the violinist that warmed up the crowd before Tenacious D took the stage was, indeed, hot, but that the show didn’t focus too much on her crotch. I wonder if that was intentional or if they just forgot that part of the show?)
Then came “World of Warcraft Blood Elf Pally Porn.” ODDLY SPECIFIC. I get the feeling there was someone spending like 8 hours in front of the computer one lonely night, opening up website after website dedicated to World of Warcraft porn and getting increasingly more frustrated with each video. “Okay, looks good so far… DAMMIT SHE’S PRIEST NOT A PALADIN THIS WON’T DO.”
The weirdest by far was that someone hit the site searching for tauren porn. Now, for those of you who don’t play World of Warcraft, or know nothing about the lore or its characters, tauren are the game’s bipedal cows. In other words, they have cow faces, rings in their noses, big cow horns, and hooves. And someone is searching the internet for pictures of them gettin’ it on.
Gotta love the internet. And by love I mean be horrified by it.
Don’t get me wrong here. I expected to get a few hits because of pornography anyway simply because this is the internet, and as Avenue Q put it, the interet is, indeed, for porn. As an added bonus, which disturbingly proves my point, someone animated the song using WoW Characters.
Not sure if that’s going to work, but check it out anyway!
I am scared to be dead
These terms started cropping up around the same time that Elrood’s Dead Space article came up. We have gotten a ton of searches for “I am scared to play Dead Space,” because apparently if you play that game with the lights off, the game will actually straight up murder you. We’ve gotten a lot of hits looking for necromorph pictures too, and one for dead space babies, which I was never sure if they were searching for babies from Dead Space of dead babies that are in space.
But then the search terms started to edge out into people who were just plain scared. I remember logging into WordPress one fateful day, booting up our stats and looking over our search terms. “I am scared to be dead.”
Was… was this written by some ghost?! Someone who was dead and terrified of just how dead they are?! Or was it written by some six-year-old who somehow got a hold of an internet search engine and punched this in, hoping some aging guru on a mountain somewhere would read it and tell them everything they need to know about the meaning of life. Unfortunately, mountaintops get really crappy wi-fi signals, so tough break kid.
I feel like I should say something to this person! What if they’re just huddled in a corner somewhere, terrified of death?! But then I remember that I don’t actually live on a mountain top and am not a guru, so I might not be qualified to give that kind of advice. So, uh, good luck with all that, I guess.
How do I…?
Some honorable mentions here just for pure tenacity. We got an outstanding amount of searches for “scaring crows in Red Dead Redemption,” “How to punch Star in Comic Jumper,” and “New Vegas who do I give the platinum chip to.” Let me give you brief run down on how to accomplish each of these.
Scaring crows: God, I dunno. Use your gun or something. Elrood or Enosh might know more about this than I. But hell, you’re a cowboy, so you have certain options open to you. Shoot them, intimidate them, or wrangle them and learn how to ride them. That’s right: spoiler alert! RED READ REDEMPTION 2: CROW RIDER.
Punching Star: Easy peasy. Twice in the game, Star bites Captain Smiley. PUSH X LIKE A BASTARD. There, that wasn’t so hard, was it? The two bites happen in Smiley’s own comic, for reference.
Giving away the chip: There’s no wrong answer, it all depends on what you want to do! Are you nice? Are you evil? Would you rather kill them all? It’s your choice, and I’m going to tell you nothing! Why would you want to play a game where you make decisions and then ask other people which option is the best? YOU SICKEN ME. MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES.
That’s about all I can remember on the search terms. Thank you guys for an outstanding first 100 posts! We really appreciate you taking the time to read our ramblings, even if you do get here by searching for incredibly creepy things. You get back to the internet, and we’ll continue write posts. Deal? Deal.
Filed under: Commentary | Tagged: apocalypse, Avenue Q, blizzcon, blizzcon hot violinist crotch, blood elf, comic jumper, Dead Space, Elrood, Enosh, explosion, Fallout New Vegas, ghosts, hot violinist, I am scared to be dead, microsoft paint, necromorph, night elf, nuke, nuke hand, platinum chip, Post-Nuke, punching star, push X like a bastard, Red Dead Redemption, scaring crows red dead redemption, search terms, tauren, the internet is for porn, tophat, World of Warcraft, World of Warcraft porn, WoW porn |