Happy Independence Day everyone! It’s time to celebrate our thrashing of the British over 200 years ago. Normally on the Fourth of July I’d be outside cooking raw meat over flames I built myself before shooting several weeks worth of gas money into the air to make war against the clouds in a noisy and spectacular fashion. But the temperature is in the triple digits and the humidity is very nearly so. That means going outside could very well kill me, well, more likely my grandma. I’m also banned from shooting off fireworks on account of a drought we’ve got going on around here. They even cancelled the official display this year. So if it’s all the same to you I’ll stay in doors today.
Luckily there’s plenty of exciting American things to do indoors. After all we didn’t get fat traipsing around the country side taken in the pristine beauty of our national parks. When it comes to explosions and violence Call of Duty is an obvious choice. Shooting Russians inside the White House or sneaking around Cambodia looking for Marlon Brando is good for hours of fun. At least I think you’re looking for Brando. To be fair I haven’t actually played the third installment of the Modern Warfare trilogy. It just seemed silly to me to spend my hard-earned American Dollars on what is essential Modern Warfare 2 with a different storyline and slightly different locales for the multiplayer.
Then again, Modern Warfare’s ridiculous storylines always carried a vaguely anti-American sentiment to me. After all, the whole reason the Russians were going all Red Dawn on us was because of the incompetence of the fictional CIA task force. So if you’re looking for a little more pride in your Independence Day you’re better off going with the original Call of Duty series. Everyone agrees that killing Nazi’s was the right move and it turned America was very good at it. But if you prefer an M16 or M4 over a BAR or Springfield there’s always the officially sanctioned U.S. Army games. You can even fly a Blackhawk apparently.
Now once you get bored with running around shooting things it’s time to call in the whole family for movie time. Speaking of Blackhawks, Blackhawk Down is a nice emotional movie that the ladies would enjoy. You can’t go wrong with Patton. I mean the guy delivers a speech in front a flag big enough to cover his entire tank. Pretty much any war movie starring the Duke is also a good choice. Considering that 60 years ago this year China started pouring over the Korean border in a war that’s still technically going on today Hamburger Hill would be very appropriate. I actually know a man who captured that hill only to see the bunker he built completely annihilated three days later and I know he’d appreciate the nod. Spielberg’s D-Day epic Saving Private Ryan is also a good choice.
But let’s face it. What you really want to watch on the Fourth of July is Will Smith punching an alien in the face. I mean really. How could you go wrong with Independence Day? For almost 100 years every time the world has had a problem with some evil invaders they haven’t called the Ghostbusters, they’ve called America. So who better to repel an alien invasion than a bunch of testosterone filled Americans chock full of brute force and bad science? Now if you’ll excuse me another fine American tradition is the Fourth of July sale so I need to go hawck some Frogg Togg Chilly Pads before Will Smith comes on my TV tonight.